He Is

On Saturday night, I pulled out of the parking lot of a Catholic church's gymnasium crying my eyes out. Currently, I'm battling lonliness. It's so easy to type that word, to say that word, that I wonder if it can truly carry the level of emotion I feel. There's no end in sight, no solution to work towards, and so I cried as I waked across the parking lot, got into my car, and drove away, because it was the only thing to do. 

I remembered pulling out of that same parking lot a year earlier. I was feeling uneasy. My boyfriend, whom I thought should be with me, wasn't. He was on a retreat because he was thinking of moving to China to do missions work for a year. I was concerned about a number of things. Would he go? Would the relationship end? Would I be miserable for a whole year? What if he went back again for a second year? How would I say goodbye? How would I handle any of it with grace? I had lots of questions and fears, and they were all running through my head as I pulled out of the same parking lot of the Catholic church.

He didn't go to China. When his retreat was over, the next day, he called me up and I went to his house and sat on his bed in the sun while he folded laundry. "I learned two things this weekend", he told me. "First, I learned that China isn't for me". I breathed a huge sigh of relief, and wondered why I'd been so worried. "The second thing I learned is that I've been afraid to love you". Wow. I was ecstatic. The pain, the worry, the experience, had been worth it, more than I could have imagined.

The next time I was in the Catholic church parking lot was in December. I was downright miserable. All my dreams had been pulled out from under me. My heart was broken. My paychecks were bouncing. My efforts in buying a home had fallen through. I couldn't participate in my favorite activities. I got in my car, in my black performance clothes, and started sobbing.  I drove back to my parents house, screaming at God for destroying my life and putting me through so much pain. I didn't see any way out, any redemption, just unending hurt.

After that, not another paycheck bounced. Within several weeks my relationship was restored. Within two months I was homeowner.

On Saturday, despite my loneliness and tears, I remembered that God had been faithful. Twice before I'd driven through that parking lot feeling hopeless, and twice before my hope, and more, had been restored. When I arrived back at my dark, quiet, empty house I didn't feel any less alone or lonely, but I felt sure of God's sovereignty in my situations. He Is. He Is the same yesterday, today, and forever!