Memory

My 24th birthday is one of the happiest I can remember, and I wasn't particularly happy. Now, it wasn't that it was an unhappy birthday at all, but I was just choosing to be unhappy. I had to go out and buy the food to cook at the park, I had to organize it. I choose not to have a cake, because I would have had to make that, too, and I just didn't feel like I should have had to do that. Looking back, who cares? I guess I was expecting some great surprise or something magical. Really, I had a group of people with me who loved me, and that is all that really matters.

Things were different today than two years ago. Some differences are great. Two years ago I would have been thrilled to live on my own, be self-employed, be the most popular follower at dances. But some differences are not so great. Mainly, the people and relationships I've lost. If you'd told me then where I'd be now, I would have refused to continue on.

Some friends offered to take me to dinner this year, but I declined, at least for my actual birthday. I guess I needed to hurt. Or maybe just don't trust enough that it wouldn't end up hurting me in the end. Or, maybe I just hoped for some sort of ridiculous time warp. If I could go back in time I'd change so many things, because I would be thankful for the wonderful things and people in my life. I wouldn't sweat the small stuff. I'd just feel incredible gratitude and happiness with what I had.

. . . And, if God ever chooses to restore my life to that state, I will be overwhelmed with thankfulness.

I played the song "Memory" from Cats at a show today. The old cat sings:

Memory

All alone in the moonlight

I can smile at the old days

I was beautiful then

I remember the time I knew what happiness was

Let the memory live again

Let the memory live again. Let the memory live again. I want real, tangible, happiness. Not just a memory.