My Agony Over Success

Yesterday was my third day in a row of 12 hour work days. I was exhausted, and in a horrible mood. So, I decided I would do a bad job.

On Thursdays, my day at GV, I do a question of the week. I come up with an open ended question (what is your favorite food? What sports did you play? If you were dressing up for Halloween what would your costume be? etc). I ask people in the activities area, in the hallways, and then try to visit all the tables at lunch. In the afternoon I present the results; the most common answers, and silliest answers, the weirdest answers, unexpected answers, whatever seems interesting that week.

So, yesterday, being exhausted and in a bad mood, I decided that rather than going through all the tables, I would stop early and eat my own lunch. My supervisor even gave me permission (and does, weekly). It didn't work. I had to get to every table. I had to get as many answers as possible. I had to have good results to share. I couldn't do a bad job.

I must be doing a good job as a performer, too, because my schedule for December is jam packed. Some, due to the time of year, also because of a good marketing initiative back in the fall, and some because people hear me once and usually ask me back again. And now, I have so much scheduled, that I am turning work down. This is supposed to be exciting for any self employed person - more work then you can handle! That's when you start a small business and then you can really start turning a profit. But, I'm just in agony here. I really like what I do, I hate saying no to people. I don't want to burn bridges. More so, I just want to do everything.

So, I don't know what to do. And I realize that being in agony because my work is so successful is ridiculous. I'm just having an unexpectedly hard time turning in around and seeing it as success, and not failure. And I suppose that's the real problem right there - I see a "yes" answer as success, and a "no" answer as failure.

Waiting

I'm really, really angry with my lack of iPhone right now.

It's just that I deserve this. I deserve something I want, something I desire. I'm not asking for a perfect spouse, or a perfect house, or a perfect job, or to be stay at home mom with lots of little perfect children, like all the other girls. I just want an iPhone. If other girls can ask for all those big life things, and get them, then why can't I get just an iPhone? It's just not a lot of ask. It's especially not a lot to ask since I already paid for it.

I'm just so tired of endless waiting for anything I ever want (Recall how I spent months trying to buy a house I never owned). It's always a huge, long struggle. I know that it would not suit my personality if everything in life was just handed to me, and so I am happy that I can have satisfaction knowing that I worked hard, persevered, and got something for it. Doesn't mean I don't hate the waiting, though. Sometimes I feel like I'm just going to crawl out of my skin, it's so hard.

Committment

A lot of people call me noncommittal. I didn't understand why until a few days ago.

I feel I am the opposite of noncommittal. If I agree to something I am there, doing it, 100% committed. I will follow through on what I agree to. To accomplish that, I don't agree to things lightly. Maybe that is where people sense my tendency not to committ. I just want to make sure that if I commit I will indeed be able to follow through, and so I consider many decision, even simple ones, more carefully than other people may.

What I've noticed in most other people I associate with, is that their commitment is simply not as strong as mine. They may cancel plans, go back on things they said, etc. Its not that they never meant what they originally said, it is just that they changed their mind. This, is honestly difficult for me to understand. I handle mind changing in one of two ways. First off, I think it through. If I think there is a strong possibility that my mind may change, then I will not agree to something. If still, I agree to something, but something changes, I still will stick with my original commitment.

I suppose some of this tendency comes from business. You can't succeed at business with a mediocre level of commitment.

More so, I think it's just my personality. Who's surprised that I would even take decision making to the extreme?

I'm not saying I'm better than anyone else, either. I just understand the people around me a bit better now. And I can understand why they do what they do better, also.

How I Got Free Stuff

I designed and ordered some business cards online. I was originally going to print them myself, but my printer is B&W only. I remembered using VistaPrint when I worked for music school, so I went with them. They looked professional. More professional than the homemade ones we'd tried.

VistaPrint offers lots of free stuff, one of which is 250 free business cards. Obviously free business cards are not actually free, but that's not what I'm going to write about. So, for the "free" business cards you get about 20 options, and if you want something different you pay a fee for it. The screen said to upgrade to a deluxe design was $3.99. Okay. Still cheap. As I go through the design pages I notice the price continually going up, and eventually hitting $13.99 before shipping. Shipping is about $5 for 21 days, and increased for shorter time periods. So I was ticked. Well, ticked is the wrong word. I wasn't about to pay over $20 for business cards I originally thought were going to be $3.99.

So I call up VistaPrint and give them a piece of my mind. Actually, I was not that horrible to them. I just explained the difference in the price I had originally seen, and the customer service rep changed the price for me. I opted for the 2 week shipping for about $9. All the shipping options suck (under 2 weeks was over $10, which seems ridiculous, and the $5 shipping takes up to a month, also ridiculous), but that one sucked least. I felt alright about that situation, and that I'd at least paid a reasonable price.

All was fine until it hit today. I was supposed to get the order on or before the 14th. And of course, it didn't come. I've been checking the tracking info, and it seems the package had been in some nowheresville PA since the 11th. Not my problem. So I logged onto the VistaPrint website went through some FAQ, and found myself with some "Contact Us" options. I chose to call them. Now, I was really going to give them a piece of my mind. How dare you charge extra for shipping within a certain time period and not make good on that? Of course, I get sent through an automated system three time, even though the phone lines are supposedly open until 10pm eastern time (it was about 7pm).

Next, I move onto the "E-mail us" contact option. I simply type out the facts, telling them I expect a refund on shipping costs, and explain the phone system also sucks (but in kinder words).

Well, a few hours later I had 4 e-mails from VistaPrint. They apologized, refunded the shipping costs, and sent out and additional order of business cards at no cost.

Oh yeah.

I love doing that.

I get annoyed with the idea of achieving the life of your dreams. I'm not opposed to having a great life, but I feel like it's more luck, or coincidence than something you can make happen with enough effort. Thinking about where I'd like my life to be vs. where it is now, all the changes that would need to happen are dependent on more people than just me. I can do tons of marketing, but ultimately people have to choose to work with me. I can't force being hired. I can do my part in trying to make it happen, but all my effort is only a portion of what is needed for a successful business. I don't think mine is the only business that works that way. And business isn't the only thing. All relationships require both parties to have involvement and some sort of willingness. Even my house isn't under my total control. If it was, I wouldn't be listening to Chinese television from 9am - 10pm everyday. What I'm saying is just that I think the mindset of deciding to work towards a goal does not guarantee success. I guess there are some things in life you can "make happen", but most require other people at some level, and other people just can't be controlled.

And FYI I didn't get the idea for writing this because I'm ticked with people for not doing what I want them to. It definitely came from randomly watching an episode of Scrubs while I was eating lunch today.

Memory

My 24th birthday is one of the happiest I can remember, and I wasn't particularly happy. Now, it wasn't that it was an unhappy birthday at all, but I was just choosing to be unhappy. I had to go out and buy the food to cook at the park, I had to organize it. I choose not to have a cake, because I would have had to make that, too, and I just didn't feel like I should have had to do that. Looking back, who cares? I guess I was expecting some great surprise or something magical. Really, I had a group of people with me who loved me, and that is all that really matters.

Things were different today than two years ago. Some differences are great. Two years ago I would have been thrilled to live on my own, be self-employed, be the most popular follower at dances. But some differences are not so great. Mainly, the people and relationships I've lost. If you'd told me then where I'd be now, I would have refused to continue on.

Some friends offered to take me to dinner this year, but I declined, at least for my actual birthday. I guess I needed to hurt. Or maybe just don't trust enough that it wouldn't end up hurting me in the end. Or, maybe I just hoped for some sort of ridiculous time warp. If I could go back in time I'd change so many things, because I would be thankful for the wonderful things and people in my life. I wouldn't sweat the small stuff. I'd just feel incredible gratitude and happiness with what I had.

. . . And, if God ever chooses to restore my life to that state, I will be overwhelmed with thankfulness.

I played the song "Memory" from Cats at a show today. The old cat sings:

Memory

All alone in the moonlight

I can smile at the old days

I was beautiful then

I remember the time I knew what happiness was

Let the memory live again

Let the memory live again. Let the memory live again. I want real, tangible, happiness. Not just a memory.

The dance tonight was in the back room of DancEncounters, so I walked through the empty front room to get there. Somehow, seeing all those empty chairs made me feel empty inside. I guess with DE moving, I just wonder if it will be my last time there. I have lots of good memories there. I feel at home there. I'm a totally different person from the first time I was there. It's cool to remember that. I guess I'm not good with change, in general. And I just wonder if maybe things could have turned out differently. Maybe, it just wasn't meant to be this way. Change is just difficult.

Why I Hate Gossip

I was on the phone earlier with a friend, who we will call Jamie (I'm picking gender neutral names!). Jaime was talking about the last few weeks, and mentioned another friend, who we will call Casey. Jaime was telling me about when he/she had hung out with Casey recently. Apparently, Casey told Jaime that another friend, who we will call Taylor, was spending that day at my house. Jaime asked me how that went. Funny, because I was actually out that day, not sitting at home with Taylor.

So, what the heck?!

On the plus side, this gossip is not harmful to me at all, but it's still unnecessary.

Best case scenario: Casey and Taylor are talking, and Taylor says, "Hey, I'm thinking of seeing if Kristin wants to hang out today". Taylor has every right to say that. But then why does Casey think it's alright to repeat? Why does Casey even think it's worth repeating? Who cares? I mean, seriously, is it really that interesting?

Obviously, I have no idea if that is exactly what happened. I suppose I could get angry and confront a number of people and ask them about it, but it's not worth it. My problem with all this is that I would like to be in control of how much information about my life is public and how much is private. I have good reasons for this. This time the blowup was harmless, but what if it isn't harmless next time? In fact, just a few weeks ago I ended up lying to a good friend, because I knew the truth would be gossiped about and the lie wouldn't. The situation still blew up, because gossipers are always gossipers. That wasn't even the first time gossipers made a mess of something they shouldn't have been involved with in the first place. And I'm just sick of it. My life is not a tabloid.

And beyond that: Note that I referred to all three people as "friends". I'd hope a real friend could be a confidant. At least, I have that expectation of friendship. So clearly, these people are not quite the friends I thought they were.

Day Something Else

There's only a 2% chance that I actually have celiac disease.

Today sucked. I was expecting that, though.

Day Something

Random dating boundary: No animated movies with mice. Other animated animals are alright, but no mice.

Day Twelve

I was exhausted today. Still managed to accomplish a lot.

Day Eleven (?)

My West Coast Swing is morphing into lyrical dance.

I'm getting used to the new hair cut.

I burned more calories than I ate today. A lot more.

I'm not sleepy right now; probably because I woke up 2-3 hours later than normal.

Day Nine

Why are haircuts so emotional for me?

Day Seven

I'm not sure why denial is a bad thing. Sure, it's not ideal. But if faced with two choices; living in denial, or being paralyzed with some sort of upset-ed-ness, I'd say go the denial route. You just live, and live, and live, and eventually the denial leaves and you're okay with circumstances as they are.

What's the problem with me and haircuts? Seriously. Cutting off a few inches, even (of 30+ inches of hair) feels like a HUGE deal to me. Don't even get me started on when other people cut their hair, especially without my getting advanced notice. I just wonder what the issue behind it is. Am I just THAT bothered by change?

Day Six

My sink is as clean as the day I first bought my house, and I'm proud of that. Sweat equity.

The winner of the US Open today was a 22 year old kid. He sunk his final putt, shook his opponents hand, and walked over to his Dad, hugged him, and said "Happy Father's Day". You can't beat that.

Day Five

I watched the season finale of House today. All this time I've been thinking that I'm Cuddy, but I'm not, I'm Wilson. I'm the one who again and again tries to say the right thing or do the right thing to get someone else out of their pit. I'm sappy, I want to make a difference, and I really truly believe that maybe someday I can drive someone to take action and change. All this time I've been figuring that I'm Cuddy; beautiful, independent, and almost foolishly hopeful. Maybe I am those traits, but I'm not her. I'm Wilson, who picks up the mess that House is after Cuddy breaks his heart. That's why I always pseudo date guys. They're a mess over whatever or whoever their Cuddy is. And then I sweep in, like Wilson, never tiring, never giving up, 100% dedicated to the sick, twisted relationship. Why? Because I think I can help. Because I want to help. I feel like it's my duty to help, if I can.

Actually, if I'm any House character, I'm Stacy, but that was seasons ago.

I clearly think about this too much. But, I think the show is true to the human condition. There's no pretty solution. Life is tough. Life is unfair. Sometimes, we don't get the answers, or worse yet, the answers just don't make sense. There's just a lot in the show that is relatable for me. I appreciate relatable.

Day Four

It's a good thing I am only titling this with a day number, or it would never get written/posted. If I were giving it a subject related title it would be "injuries". The word injuries, on it's own, makes me think of a lot of non-injury, bittersweet memories. If I think about it, I'll probably go pace around the house somewhat angrily for a few minutes, until I feel sad. Then, once I feel sad, I'll go distract myself. That's just how it happens.

Anyway, my goal of random blogging every day for a month just for the sake of being open has already failed, but the reason is injuries. On Monday, I hurt my knee doing lunges. In an attempt to let it heal I decided to be gentle with my right knee. So, on Tuesday, when I had to spend an hour and a half picking up golf balls, I bent down from my back mostly, and only a little from my knee. The repeated movements just didn't go over well, because on Wednesday morning I could hardly move. No sitting at the computer for me - too painful. Yesterday was an improvement, and today is much better.

However, I did just burn the palm of my right hand on one of the coils in the oven. Ouch. Ironically, I had just talked with Lauren yesterday about favoring the left side of my body to increase strength on that side. Maybe that was on Wednesday, actually. So, yes, I currently have a few injuries. The end.

Day One

I've decided to blog everyday for a month, even if what I say is useless. Actually, I have no plans for say anything meaningful at all (though if I stumble upon something like that, so be it). I just think it would be good to say something.

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I'm having an issue with bugs. In the past I've never cared so much about the bugs, but this spring it's different. Two weeks ago, at a really inopportune time, I discovered ants had infested the kitchen counter with my coffee pot on it, and the sink. I found where they were crawling in, the glass on the sink I'd drank orange juice from that was attracting them. I thought the situation was taken care of when I sprayed the entire perimeter of that level of the house and the vacuumed up all the dead ants. Wrong. On Friday, of course at another inopportune time, I get home late, exhausted, and find three bugs right in the entry way. I don't even know what they were. They were spider like, but less legs, and brown on the top with white bellies. They hopped, so I couldn't pick them up with a paper and dump 'em outside. I managed to shove two out the door by whacking them in that direction with some junk mail, and the third escaped into the basement area and I ignored it and went to sleep. I sprayed that level of the house the next day. Now, there's a big-ish black beetle sitting in the foyer right by my shoes. It better not crawl in any of them. Also, I sprayed there, so how did it even get there? Ugh. I'm frustrated. People have told me not to worry, because the bugs don't mean I am messy. I don't really feel at ease though, because there are still bugs. Also, I'm trying to run a business here, and insect infestation just doesn't work well with that.

I try to turn all annoying things, especially annoying house things, into learning experiences. For example, it was frustrating that I was not strong enough to get one of the storm windows down this winter, but I now know that duct tape and pillow cases make fairly good insulation. Another example: I was livid when my friend spilled paint all over my carpet, but I learned that if you use oxyclean enough time, it takes out almost anything. I'm just not sure what I've learned from this situation, though:

"If you spray for bugs, it won't work"

"If you are meticulously clean (is that redundant?), you still can't keep ants away"

Note: It has been about 12 hours since I started this post, and I've concluded that the black beetle is dead. I still haven't moved it.

Another note/conclusion: I suppose now, I can just add "bug infestation" to the list of things I can handle with grace. You kind of want that list to be long, but you also kind of wish it wasn't.

Law Enforcement

I was pulled over by a cop in what I thought was some freak occurrence earlier this week. On a two lane road, the police car was blocking one of the lanes, and the cop was out directing traffic through the one remaining lane, and he was motioning for vehicles in my lane to keep driving. So, I kept going, when suddenly he started waving his flags like crazy and stepped out in front of my car. I stopped, of course, and rolled down my window, and the following conversation ensued:

Cop: Ma'am, you were going way to fast for seeing a cop car.

Me: I was not speeding, and you were motioning me on.

Cop: But it's rainy and the roads are slippery. (Note: I won't deny that the roads were wet, but it wasn't a downpour, just little showers here and there)

Me: Okayyyyyy?

Cop: You just need to be more careful.

So, I continue on my way, wondering what the heck that was about. I'd done nothing wrong. Was the cop just so arrogant that he was upset that I didn't cower at his presence? I assumed so.

It was only after telling the story to a few people that I was told about some new law pertaining to moving over for emergency vehicles. It sounded an awful lot like what people are supposed to do for ambulances, so I looked into it.

Move Over America.

Apparently, there are a significant amount of police injuries and deaths due to cars hitting them while they are standing on the side of the road with another car, giving out a ticket. The new law states that you have to move over a lane and slow down to 20 mph below the posted speed limit. In more searching, I found a news article specifically geared towards Monroe county. It explained that the law has been around since January, but they are really starting to enforce it now and over the next several weeks.

So, here's my problem: How is an average citizen supposed to find out about this, or any other new law? Having an unpublicized law will not create change. I think it is also unfair to punish citizens for doing something that they very well may not have known was wrong. If the government wants to pass new laws, and cops want to enforce them, they should find a way to communicate them to the entire population.

Here's my next problem: They did try to communicate. There was a story on the local the news and in the newspaper. Maybe this makes me an abnormal citizen, but I do not have a TV or get the newspaper. Both of these things cost money. Even online newspaper subscriptions cost money. Just the internet service I used to find the article online costs me near $50 a month. I pay taxes to the state and federal government. I should NOT have to have an additional paid service to find out what they are doing and how it will effect me.

My thought is simply to offer a grace period on punishment for breaking new laws. I'm sure a cop can tell when talking to someone about an offense that they are totally clueless. Instead of giving them a ticket, for the first year or so of the law, give them an explanation.

Children

This morning I have a thought, and rather than beat around the bush for a while I'm just going to say it:

Do people not realize that babies grow up to be adults?

I do not think they do.

Judgement

When people ask me how I handle my money I talk about stewardship of resources. When people ask me about how I always keep my house so clean I talk about stewardship of time. I try to be a good steward of everything I have. I often pride myself on what a darn good steward I have been. Probably the best, actually. I can take care of myself all on my own. No marriage. No needing Mom and Dad to help me get by. Oh yeah, I am just that good.

So, I got the weekly Focus on the Family e-mail today, clicked on an article, clicked on another, clicked around, and came across something titled "Can We Afford Children" (or something similar). Oh yes, I wanted to read that. This was going to be the perfect article. I was so sure it would say how stupid young couples are to start having kids when they can hardly pay their bills. It would certainly encourage people to be more like me, independent, with plenty of money before they even contemplate having children. "Take that!" I could say to my less wealthy, baby crazy friends.

I was wrong.

The article talked about being a good steward. Being wise with wealth was certainly mentioned. But I read something unexpected: being a good steward of . . . . fertility.

Ohboy.

Fertility. I'd forgotten about that. See, I'm old enough to be serious about marriage, and not just dating around, but I'm not old enough to start worrying about my biological clock. I've got 10+ years left to have children. I'm not sure when the right time is to start worrying about that, but it's gotta be another 5 years from now, at least. Worrying, though, and being a good steward are two different things. Maybe being a good steward of fertility means having children while I'm young and energetic. My body could bounce back easier and I could be more active with them. God tells us to be fruitful and multiply. Maybe being a good steward of fertility means leaving time to have multiple kids, not just one or two. Maybe, being a good steward of fertility is even linked to being a good steward of money. It gets harder for women to get pregnant as they get older. Maybe, all the money I've saving in my good financial stewardship days will just go to some sort of fertility treatment. Whatever the specifics are, one thing is clear: I'm not the best steward in the world. I know people who have neglected to be good stewards of some things, but I've neglected some of the things they have remembered.

I'm just blown away for multiple reasons. First, because I got "caught" in my prideful thinking. Second, because I've seen that maybe my priorities and pre-decided order for my life are a bit extreme. Third, because I always figured children were the ultimate crutch for the co-dependent person. Actually, I am positive that they still are. But, children are also something God designed for us and intended for us to be thoughtful and purposeful about. Me? I'm just floundering around in oblivion until I get married, or freak out because I'm getting too old. "Oblivion" doesn't sound like a word that is synonymous with "good stewardship" to me.

I'm not sure exactly how to be a good steward of fertility as a single person. The only thing I can come up with is to not spend my 20s being selfish and ridiculously picky about finding a spouse. I suppose that's good for me to contemplate, but there's something much bigger. A lesson on pride and being judgmental. I am not on top of the world. Concerning those people choosing marriage and family over wealth and security, well, they are my equals, if not higher. I am not the best out there, making the only possible good decisions.

The truth is that everyone is different. We're all making choices with the best of our individual abilities, knowledge, and experiences. So who am I to judge when my friends choose to have children? No one. No one at all.

Why I AM Allergic To Rochester

Previously on this blog I proved why I was not allergic to cats. Today, I will prove why I am allergic to Rochester.

After the horrific (okay, maybe that word is a little too strong, but I'm not sure how else to describe it) blood drawing incident, I found out I have a Vitamin D deficiency. Vitamin D comes from the sun. There is not very much sun here. Therefore, Rochester is making me sick.

Business Success

I'm proud.

Friday:

Got asked to interview for a full time music-ish job

Got 1 senior center gig

Monday:

Got a well paying orchestra gig

Tuesday:

Got a new student referral

Wednesday (today):

Got 2 senior center gigs

Got an orchestra gig

And that's just the past four business days.

I had the start of an annual tradition. For two years in a row, this week/weekend, I took a trip to Chicago. It wasn't just a trip, it was my trip. I traveled there on my own, I explored the city, I navigated the metro, I danced, I met new people. I had fun.

I didn't think it would matter if I didn't take the trip this year. And it's not even important why I'm not. Life happens, sometimes we can't do what we wish we could. I know there will be other trips in my lifetime, probably even to Chicago. And I get to keep all my good memories of the trips I did have. I thought I'd be sitting here thinking "those last two years were great! And this year, it's good for me to be home." Here I am, though, keenly aware I'd be leaving tonight. I'd have made my meals last night, and I'd be packing my clothes in the suitcase right now. I would be giddy with excitement.

It's silly, what I'm upset about: the movement of my life. See, traditions are supposed to grow with life. You start them, you recollect past memories each year. As you grow, so do the things around you, and your experiences. I should be able to look back and say something like this: "Wow, each year I took that trip, it took a smaller and smaller percentage of my budget" or "I've gotten so much better at packing meals over the years" or "I sure dress a lot better than I did a few years ago" or "I'm glad I finally learned to get sleep when I'm on vacation so I can have fun, and not be over tired for the last couple of days".

Last year, I could say those things. I looked at what had happened in the year and I was so proud and happy. I had moved forward.

But I don't know what to say now. This gauge of myself is at stop. And if there's one thing I stand for it's to never do that - to never be at a standstill. To ALWAYS be moving myself forward. I am 100% committed personal growth.

I know there are other gauges that are still showing I am on track.

I was partial to this one, though. I enjoyed the whole experience. My year just isn't the same without it.

Common Sense

I have a daily workout routine that I have been doing since mid-November. I think the right way to describe the results is the my midsection is more "toned". I don't think I've lost weight. Maybe I've gained weight in muscle. I don't have a scale. Anyway, my weight hasn't noticeably changed, in my opinion, but my midsection is a bit slimmer. My pants have been looser, and I've needed to wear belts.

I HATE wearing belts.

So, I decided to put some of my dress pants in the dryer to shrink. It seemed like a great idea. Then I wouldn't have to wear a belt or go buy newer pants. I put a couple of pairs of pants int he dryer, and sure enough, the waist area had shrunk. The length also shrunk, so the pants were at my ankles. Well, I feel like an idiot. What was I thinking?! Apparently, I thought that I could selectively shrink the pants.

I guess I'll be using some of my tax refund to buy some new pants.

Movie Review

I watched the movie Julie & Julia just now. I'm not entirely sure why I chose to watch it. I guess because I'm sore and brain-dead from six hours of violin today. It's just that I rarely make it through a movie in one sitting, and why of all things to sit through would I pick a weird girly-ish one? People have said it was good, I know that was part of my thought-process when I picked it.

Well, I didn't enjoy it.

First, no plot. It was just a story. Girl has frustrating job. Girl cooks a lot. Girl has disagreements with boy. Girl writes a blog. Girl is sometimes happy and sometimes sad. Um, didn't need to watch a movie about my life.

Second. . . well, maybe there isn't anything else, just the lack of plot. Maybe my second point was going to about me and movies in general. I just seriously don't like sitting still that long. Also, most movies are stupid, and plotless, and pointless. I like movies where you feel inspired to be a better person, or achieve things. I also like movies where cool stuff happens that I'll never experience in real life. Like, Firefly. Okay, so Firefly isn't a movie, but I feel like outer-space cowboys are not within my lifetime. But it's fun to think about, anyway. Plus, Firefly is funny.

But seriously, movies about normal life. Why? Why?! Why should I spend a couple of hours of my life watching about normal stuff when I could, at minimum, be doing normal stuff (if I weren't watching). I feel like I just wasted two hours of life. I did just waste two hours of life. I suppose my body needed the sitting still. But still.

Well, maybe this makes sense, but probably not. I'm upstairs right now, where there are no lights on, typing. I could turn them on, but I keep meaning to go downstairs. I should run the dishwasher. I'm exhausted. Oh, and if you're ever composing music for real instruments it is important to know the limitations of those instruments. Don't write notes that literally do not exist for the instrument. What do you expect me to do with that? And especially don't turn everything into a harmonic. It doesn't work that way. And you know what else, you don't need to label the "first ending" if there is not a second ending. Oh, and, the point of marking things 8va is to avoid excessive ledger lines, not to play melodies in a range that only dogs can hear.

Clothes

I was just looking at clothes online, and checked the sizing chart to see what I would need to order. There were three measurements for tank tops. For the bust size, I feel into the medium size range, my waist was in the small range, and my hips were in the extra-small range. Well then. Clearly I am abnormal. People are supposed to be one size, not three! Then I noticed a line above the size chart that said: Standard Clothing (taller than 5'4"). I laughed. So not only am I not a singular size, but I'm also too short to even count. Hysterical.

Valentine

I wanted flowers, and I got a pink carnation. It made me smile. I still think over-commercialized, media driven holidays are not worth buying into, but I appreciated the flower. I appreciated getting something I wanted that was meaningful to me. I guess God heard me.

Changing. . . Lightbulbs

Last time I blogged I talked about if people can change. Today I will talk about people changing lightbulbs.

You know how there are jokes about blondes (or whoever you feel like making fun of) not being able to change a light bulb on their own? Well, some lightbulbs are not simple to change! I just had to stand on a step ladder and pry open a fixture with a wrench to change one of mine. So, I am just saying that it is not always simple to change a lightbulb. Although, I did do it on my own.

Changing

I nearly blogged about this same topic on "House" once before. It was earlier this season. House did something dumb, and lied to Cuddy, after specifically having a conversation with her about not lying. I don't remember exactly what was said, but she had laid down some terms about trust and their relationship, and made some good points. House responded in a surprising way; he agreed with her. Cuddy had expected him to be defiant. She seemed pleasantly surprised. When House told Wilson about the conversation with Cuddy, Wilson was shocked. Wilson said something along the lines of "You actually agreed not to lie to Cuddy?!?!!" House's response: "I lied". That episode ended with Cuddy, thrilled, and House disobeying her authority and doing some ridiculously dangerous test behind her back.

I typed furiously after that show, angry at Cuddy, a darn TV character, for being such an idiot. House is House. House won't change. He never has, he never will. He's a jerk, a liar, a manipulator. Sure, he is brilliant and witty and saves lives all the time, but it doesn't mean he will change. It doesn't mean he is good. She'd be better off with Wilson, who actually cares about people.

I never published the blog post because it was pointless. I was upset and angry, mainly because I saw myself in Cuddy. I want to - no, I DO, see the best in people, see the potential in people. I constantly hope to see positive change. To see people grow. To see them become better, the best that they can be. I must be as much of an idiot as Cuddy. Why can't I be better? Why am I so unable to see people for what they are?

Monday's episode of House was unexpected. When Cuddy came to House concerned about getting Rachel into a good preschool House secretly tutored her daily, so she would pass all the tests the preschool had. He'd changed. It wasn't huge, and he tried to hide it, but he cared about Cuddy (and Rachel). He wanted to see them happy and successful. He valued them. At the end of the episode Rachel curled up on House's lap and Cuddy was shocked, as was I. I thought "If House can change, then anyone can change"

Can anyone change?

I don't know.

I always see the good, see the potential in people. I wonder if that makes me weaker, rather than stronger. I wonder if it just leaves me to get trampled. I wonder if believing in good really does any good at all.

I want to believe that everyone can change and grow. I do believe it.

Maybe, my belief needs to change, though. Maybe "House" is catered to dreamers like me who see the good more than the bad. Maybe real life is nto that way at all. Maybe, what really needs to change is me.

Appearance

Its taken a solid year or so of consideration to decide, but if I'm attractive, then I'm going to be attractive. I don't think I should be expected to downplay my physical appearance because it may make others feel insecure. I don't think I'm some unbiblical whore because sometimes I wear tight pants or a low cut shirt. I'm sick of feeling guilty about looking good. All people are blessed with different things. If this is something I'm blessed with, then I have the right to be thankful for it and appreciate it and treat it like any other blessing, not just hide in some sack clothes.

More to come on this topic, maybe,