Chess

Supposedly, chess players are good at moving forward in life, rather than continually thinking about what they should have done. I used to play chess against my iPod and computer frequently, until I learned how to beat the computer.

I'm reminded of chess because I've been thinking about the movie Spirited Away. It came up in conversation on Christmas Eve and I remembered that it had moved me in a big way, and I didn't quite remember why. Reading the plot online, I got to the very end, and as I read about a little girl walking away from a very close friend she may never see again, and being told not to look back, I remembered why I felt so strongly.

I can remember a number of walk-away moments in my life. There have been moments where I've stomped away in anger, and moments where I nearly floated away because I was so happy to leave. The walk away moments I remember most clearly are the ones that ripped my heart out so much that I don't know where my legs got the strength to take any steps at all. I imagine that's what this little girl in the movie felt as she walked away from her friend without looking back at his face.

According to the chess theory, walking away without looking back would be easier for a chess player, as they would be used to making moves and not being able to take them back, only think about the next moves forward. I don't suppose that my strength to take forward steps has much to do with my chess abilities, and I don't think little cartoon girl's did, either. Mostly, any ability I have in chess comes from picking up on patterns that the computer tends to use, and I can't really make many conjectures about a cartoon character's chess skills. 

To change the subject of this post completely, I should be quite happy today because I found a townhouse I would like to live in recently and settled on the purchase price today. People keep saying "congratulations", but I'm not quite sure why - I haven't accomplished anything special - many, many people own houses, and I don't even own this one, I just agreed to go ask the bank to help me buy it so that someday I can own it. Maybe my lack of excitement is due to the complete failure of the last condominium I was going to buy (see a post back in October for that story) and I don't see the point in getting excited about something that might not happen. Maybe I'm not excited because I'm scared I'm getting myself in way over my head with a 1200 sq ft townhouse, a garage, a basement, a deck, and a mortgage. Maybe I'm not excited because I'm afraid no one will ever come visit me, or that I will get lonely, or that I will be afraid when I'm there alone, in the dark, at night. 

Maybe, I'm just numb to any emotion at all. 

Maybe, I've had to turn around and walk away in horrible pain so many times now that I've just shut myself off. I don't feel the bad, but I don't feel the good, either. Certainly I'd remain calm, collected, and totally unaffected by a lousy chess move. I'd say "Oppps!" and keep on playing.

Maybe, I just live life like I play chess.