Empowered

My work computer is an old (PowerPC) white iMac. When I walked in this morning there were pen marks on the white plastic surrounding the monitor. The bottom, in obvious kid writing, said "NOO", and on the top of the monitor "Loser" was written. I wasn't especially offended because I knew what had happened - my boss' son had done it. He'd write "loser" on anything. I told her, she clearly felt horribly, and within minutes her husband knew.

Great.

So, he comes into my office and start cleaning the computer. I find something to do in another room, but honestly, there isn't much to do but wait, so I go back in when I see the writing is mostly off. Of course, he starts on another rant about parking.

I listen for a bit.
I present my case. "I wasn't here last night at 7:30pm - there's nothing I could do".
He gets more upset and says "You need to listen to me"
I say "Actually, I have the right to walk out. Your wife and I discussed it after last week." I moved towards the door.


He starts screaming for his wife/my boss, and she comes over, and recognizing he's flipping out, yet again. "Let's go, Kristin" she says, and we walk out of the room. He comes following us, yelling, and my boss says "Kristin, go take a drive".

Maria seems concerned when I'm leaving.

So I walk out, and drive to the library, which is where I am now, typing.

I'm upset about the situation - clearly unhealthy work environment that I need to get out of.
But, I feel empowered at the same time. This time, I didn't take his crap. And now I've set a new precedent - you don't talk to me that way. You don't disrespect me.

Blogging About Blogs

I read a blog post earlier today on being sick and single. The author, a male, said he didn't find himself constantly thinking about his singleness, but when he was sick with a flu actively wanted a wife. He commented that he knew his roommates could help take care of him if he asked, but that didn't really cover it - he also wanted comfort.

I liked two specific things about the blog.
First, he didn't go on to say that in that moment God came and wrapped His arms around him and he felt comforted. I get that God is a father and a comforter. I get that we are to go to God with our needs and desires - He is to be our provider. But when you're in a place of tangible need that advice just doesn't cut it - at least for me. God hasn't cooked me dinner when I get home at 11:00pm, hungry and exhausted. Jesus hasn't done my laundry. People have wiped away my tears before, but God's fingers haven't done that. I'm not trying to downplay His sovereignty, really.What I am saying about this is two things. Point One, sometimes the "God can be that" advice, while true, isn't helpful. Sometimes, it just makes you angrier and most upset. I appreciate when people are knowledgeable and respectful of that, and able to give more pointed, specific, biblical advice. Point two, is it not also appropriate to pray for God's providence? In my opinion, praying for God to BE my everything and praying for God to PROVIDE for my everything are very different things. I don't think the second undermines the sovereignty of God, I think it just opens my heart up for him to use other people, things, ideas, in my life, as well. I've heard/read plenty of times that people say to have God be your spouse if you are single. Okay - right idea, but incomplete idea. God's big enough, and good enough, to be comfort and to provide comfort.


Second, the guy who wrote the sick blog post said that he looks forward to the privilege of providing comfort (among other things) to his future wife. Cool. I share his sentiments exactly, except with a husband. What a privilege it is to love.

Melancholy

Monday afternoon wasn't the first time my boss' husband verbally assaulted me. It gets worse each time - and this time he was in my face, yelling and swearing, while clients were in the adjacent two rooms. He spent the next 12 hours periodically sending me angry e-mails that I couldn't really decipher.

Quote:
how about communication? How about saying "Hey, this is a groovy experiance, but don't bumm the ride, keep the ride groovy like a Steve Reeves movie. You need to park here". How hard is that?

What does that mean? He was clearly on a 12 hour tiraid, I think about where a silver Cadillac had parked, but aside from that it was just paragraphs of similar sounding stuff. I timidly walked into work on Tuesday morning and was glad to find he was not there. My boss walked into my office a few minutes later, surprised that I had even come into work. She was embarrassed and apologetic, and we discussed future handling of similar situations. I still felt upset; upset, hurt, and even a bit scared.

At my counseling appointment yesterday I explained the incident to my counselor. We discussed a lot of things - how to handle this man, how to handle my boss, when to give up and quit.
"Everything is always so difficult," I said.
"Are you sure?" he asked. "Maybe this feeling has to do with the lost relationship. Would you feel that everything is so difficult if you still had it?" Yes, I'd told him, and recounted a time when I had had a bad day at work and even purposeful attempts at cheering me up had not worked.

The counselor argued back. He said there was something about having a person there and knowing they will be there, even if my mood didn't change, that makes a difference. When he said that, I remembered using the phrase "sit with" when I'd felt hurt and upset in the past. Experientially, I can't remember this (which is odd), but intellectually I can. "Sitting with" wasn't about talking or solving a problem - it was just about having another person there; companionship.

I started feeling less hurt, and more sad, after that. I thought about the bigger picture of Monday/Tuesday - what it means action-wise for me from this point forward. The difficult choices and actions I will need to take. I'm sure people will pray. I'm sure people will talk through things with me. But I do not think anybody will walk through it with me.

"Melancholy" means "thoughtful sadness" and that is exactly how I feel. People who I have seen and spoken to today would not say I was sad. I've laughed and smiled and been in a generally good mood. I think I look cute today (that seems related, somehow). But as my brain processes what I need to do, where I need to go, and that I'm going alone, well, then I feel sad.

So I will walk down the road ahead of me; thoughtfully, sadly, and somewhat alone. But I will do it, and that is the important part.